Easy As

Our host, a father of three, smiled widely at us and announced, "Two more girls are coming, and then we'll have sex!"

We looked at each other, we looked at Itamar and Shira, and none of us really knew what to say about that. Only after a few seconds - which felt very long - we got it. There's four of us guests, and with the other two girls they'll have *six*. That's just how it sounds in a New Zealand accent. 

The accent sounds a little like the Australian one (which we wrote about here, with the aid of Will Ferrell, just before the end of the post), but there are a few small differences, especially in the way vowels are pronounced. They say "go lift" when they want you to turn left, they eat "fush and chups" and they say "sweet as" or "easy as" when they want to exclaim that something is to their liking. Itamar wrote about this in "Pennats and Owls", his and Shira's travel blog, but we'll retell it here: When an elderly woman in the middle of a four-day trek asked the ranger how he knew she had rocks in her bag (long story), his answer was "wild geese". Itamar was certain for two days afterwards that's a figure of speech, like "a little birdy told me". Actually, it's just the way it sounds when they say "wild guess".

***

We've arrived!

The first thing you notice when you get on a plane to New Zealand in that their airline has a sense of humor. We saw two safety videos on Air New Zealand flights - one is middle-earth themed and combines creatures and characters from Lord of the Rings, and the other is just as good, but we'll talk about it later. In any case, the New Zealanders, or "Kiwis" as they're called with slights distaste by Australians* and with warmth by everyone else (including themselves), are a pretty funny people.

The other things that you notice is the the presence of the Maoris, NZ's indigenous people. Our flight attendant was a Maori man, and it actually wasn't that unusual. It only seemed so to us because of the utter contrast to the position of the Australian Aborigines. The Maoris are present in all walks of Kiwi life - they wait tables, play rugby, run bank branches, serve in Parliament, socialize and intermarry with whites, and some especially conservative old white people even feel they are "taking over" their beloved English Kiwi culture.

The Aborigines, on the other hand, are completely transparent. You won't meet them in a cafe, at the beach or in the supermarket, and in fact, you'd be hard pressed to talk to one of them even if you spend months in Australia. Their social position is so disparate from white Australians (and various immigrants), it's not even clear where to start. Since the 19th century they've endured mass killings, intentional spreading of diseases, a large-scale government project of separating children from their parents(!) and raising them in state-run orphanages(!!)**, and much more. Their rates of crime, infant mortality, aid-dependency and any other negative social indicator is leagues worse than those of whites, and if that isn't enough, they also have a problem processing alcohol and become addicted to it very easily. Add in the fact that many of them still live in what amount to be hunter-gatherer communities, and you can understand how disconnected they are from the comfortable and prosperous life of white Australia.

A small example? In the 1980s the government tried building houses for some of them, so they could stop living in the bush like nomads. The happily used these houses - for firewood. Not because they weren't grateful or tried to protest or set up a provocation, but simply because they didn't really understand why they need a big box to sit in. Especially when there's so much perfectly good ground. What we're trying to say is that they live in a completely different world. Whether it's worse or better than ours is a subject for a different day.

How did we get to this? Oh, right, the Maoris. Well, their story is completely different. First of all, they're very "recent" natives - they only arrived in New Zealand from Polynesia in the mid-13th century, in ten large canoes. They oral history is so well-preserved that until this day, every Maori can tell you on which of the ten boats his or her ancestors were. They were skilled warriors, and didn't make life easy for the British settlers. They did give up their independence when they realized there was no other option, but they maintained their social fabric throughout the empire's reign and led an impressive civil rights movement in the 20th century. Today their culture is inseparable from New Zealand. It's not uncommon to see youngsters that look plucked from northern England showing off huge tribal tattoos, and you can even meet middle-aged white ladies who study Maori in their spare time.

Another central part of Kiwi culture is their Britishness. They too, like the Aussies, are an improved version of the English - what they could have been if they had a little more sunshine. They like the queen (well, she's a pretty nice girl), they love tea (we can understand this) and they love cricket (we will never understand this, and neither will you, don't even try). They might not be as warmly outgoing as Australians, but they're still more friendly than most others. They also have a wonderful dry sense of humor and don't take themselves too seriously. We missed the chance to enjoy this sense of humor in the yearly Auckland comedy festival, but we can at least refer you to Flight of the Conchords:

The third element which we felt has a strong influence on the Kiwis is the rural and agricultural nature of the beautiful land they inhabit. There aren't many people we've met, even in Auckland, who don't grow some fruits and vegetables in their yard***. Few people hadn't grown up on a farm, and if they haven't, you can be sure their parents have. The main "highway" of the entire country, that connects Auckland the big city with Wellington the capital, is a narrow road with one lane in each direction. It winds its way slowly between green hills and indifferent sheep under a wide blue sky. It feels like a faraway country road, which doesn't keep the locals living by it from complaining about the noise. The country may be western, organized and rich, but it's not in a hurry anywhere, least of all too much development. You won't find skyscrapers here (maybe just a few), no busy streets or wild nightlife spots. Everything is roomy, quiet, surrounded by green. Everything closes early. It might be a little boring to live here, but it's fantastic for visiting.

Would I rather be a shank or a rumpsteak?

Maybe a fillet?

Well, it's fantastic as long as you don't expect too much in the way of speediness or efficiency from service providers. The very first time we experienced this was just outside the airport, when we ran into a helpful and energetic young man in charge of the ticket booth for the shuttle buses into the city. When we asked him when the next bus was, he looked like we broke into his house at four in the morning and asked him to go on a run with us. He stared at us and shrugged. "I don't know. There's a schedule on the board." "...OK. We see the next bus is in ten minutes. Is it line 1 or line 2?" He gave us an exhausted look. "It will be written on the bus." "Thanks. And do you know which one of them stops at Brixton?" "No idea. The driver will know, ask him." "All right. Can we buy a ticket please?" "I don't sell tickets, you buy them on the bus, just wait for it." We were going to ask his why he was there at all, sitting in the bus company booth, but we didn't want to ruin his day more than we already have. The driver, in his turn, had no idea where Brixton was, and until now we're not really sure how we got there. Lucky it was on the main road from the airport into town.
And that was just the beginning. Cafes, for example, normally close at five. We were already used to this strange habit from Australia, and we've grown to appreciate the business owners who prefer to spend some time with their families, or just have a more relaxed lifestyle, at the expense of making a few extra dollars. But what surprised us was that if closing time was five, you got strange looks at lost of places if you tried to take a seat at four. Maybe two or three chairs will already be up, maybe one of the workers will already start sweeping, and maybe the place will be shut altogether because it was a slow day and they decided to close early. That's just how it is. The other example we have for the slow pace of life in New Zealand we heard from locals just before we left. They've been living here for a few years (they're originally from the Netherlands), and they have quite a few local friends who work as independent service providers in the area - plumbers, electricians, gardeners, that sort of thing. They told us they are always devoted, hard working professionals, unless there's good surf in the area, or great fishing conditions. On those days, there's no use trying to get a hold of them.
And who can blame them? With such a beautiful country, who wants to be working when you could be fishing?

This is where the Syrians came from. They were many and we were few...

Which brings us to New Zealand's highlight - its outdoors. Quite a few people have told us before we came that they think NZ is the most beautiful place in the world, and it's hard to argue with them. We expected the beauty of the walking tracks - climb a mountain, walk between lakes for two days, that sort of thing - but the amazing thing about New Zealand's scenery is that its wild beauty is everywhere. Even when you're just driving from point A to point B, you feel like you have to stop once every few minutes and admire the view. And it doesn't necessarily happen all at once. Sometimes you're driving along, the sky's cloudy and it's quite pretty outside. And then all of a sudden the sun comes out and you can't stop looking around. And this natural wonder is not only exceedingly beautiful, it's also very varied and highly accessible. The local Department of Conservation (DOC) has wonderful offices in the prettiest corners of the country, with a treasure trove of information, maps and equipment. The mountain ranges and valleys are dotted with comfortable huts that somehow never interfere with the scenery. Even in remote alpine area you can find wide and well-maintained pathways. Their rescue unit is the best in the world. There's great, clear drinking water in each of the many brooks, rivers and lakes. There are no bugs, snakes or animals that can kill you. Despite the fickle weather (some regions get meters of rain every year, at any season), it's paradise for nature lovers.  

pictured: nature!

there's one in here too

and one here too, but it's hiding behind the mountain. That's Mount Doom from Lord of the Rings, by the way

***
But before we could get to all this lovely nature, we had a few little logistical matters to attend to, the main one being purchasing a car. We spent the first few days at the Chabad house in Auckland. Unlike the one in Melbourne, which felt to us like a depressing place travelers get stuck in when they don't feel like doing anything, the one in Auckland was pleasant, warm and full of energetic backpackers with lots of stories and recommendations. Luckily for us, it was also full of people trying to buy and sell cars. Shira and Itamar had arrived a day before us, and have already seen "Mike", a van belonging to three post-army girls who wanted to sell it before heading off to The East****. It looked a little old (and had traveled nearly 350,000 kms), but it was roomy and comfortable, and we thought it was a good fit for us. We tool it in to a mechanic and he told us that to get it ready for its next Warranty of Fitness, which was due in six months, we needed to put around 2,000 dollars into it. So we knocked the price down by 1,500 dollars, didn't fix anything, and went on our way, aware of the risk that it might break down in two days. Amazingly, in the following two and a half months we only had to change tires (or "tyres" as they're known here), and other than that he worked just fine. Oh, and sometimes he wouldn't start, and we had to shake him*****. And once we needed to tighten some screws around the engine. And fix the gearbox in place, after it got stuck on "Drive" and almost burned our brakes going down hill. But they didn't charge us for that one, so no worries. Only a week before our flight Mike blew a head gasket (among other things) and died a quiet death. We sold him for parts and that was enough to cover a rental the rest of the way. The total price was still excellent, much cheaper than a rental. We turned his license plates in at the registration office and declared him off the road, and it was a little sad. He was a good guy.

Mike with his whole family

Mike's bling

our quiet (and tasty) hitchhiker. His name is Basil

SPOILER: Mike dies at the end

***
Maybe now would be a good time to mention that for most of our time in New Zealand we were traveling with Shira and Itamar, and that was one of the best parts of the trip. The dynamics of traveling in a group of four is different from that of a two-person trip - although it requires more logistics, coordination and compromises on all sides, it's also a lot more varied, comfortable, and honestly, much cheaper. We had great chemistry with them, and it was an absolute pleasure. After we had met for dinner in Nepal and Coffee in Australia, traveling together for two months was a real treat. Within the first week we had already managed to get drunk together while bicycling around the vineyards in Marlborough, to swim with dolphins in Kaikura, and to see plenty of sunsets in beautiful campsites. 

Speaking of Marlborough - it's an area known for its high-quality white wines, but an equally important fact about it is that you can get free tastings at a lot of the wineries! We only made it through four of them, and one beer brewery, and we were swamped. It was a joyous day.

is it ok to take selfies while riding?

The dolphin swimming, on the other hand, was one of the most expensive things we've done in New Zealand, following the warm and justified recommendation of Neta and Itay, Neriya's friends. If "swimming with dolphins" sounds like something you do in a shallow pool with two and a half dolphins, it was in fact the complete opposite. First of all, it was in the open ocean and the water was freezing, even with two layers of wetsuit. Secondly, there were a little more than two dolphins - something like 200 or 300 in each pod. And third, they swam en masse so close to us that you could touch them, and they were curious and friendly. We only got it to work properly once, but if you make eye contact with them and start spinning, they spin around you and play with you. There's a rumor Google are secretly working on communicating with dolphins, and if they succeed where many universities and research institutions failed, we've got a feeling they'll have very interesting things to tell us.

Heya!

***
On the very first trek we did in the south island of New Zealand, a day-walk in a pretty bay named Queen Charlotte Sound, we realized people here were crazy about birds. The DOC worker in the information center urged us to leave an hour early and climb a small hill on a separate island before starting the track itself, because it had a lot of Native Birds. This was repeated everywhere we went. Is it worth going to these waterfalls? Of course, there are native birds there! When should we start the trail tomorrow? Start early, if you get to the treeline before lunch you'll see native birds! We were walking through a stupendous valley with sheer rock cliffs and tens of waterfalls, and all people were talking about at the end of the day was whether they saw any blue ducks. Only after a while we realized they're not just crazy about birds - that's actually all they've got. Unlike Australia, a desolate stretch of land teeming with an unthinkable variety of strange creatures of all kinds, New Zealand only has bugs, some reptiles, sea creatures, two kinds of bat, and birds. Well, that's what they had before humans arrived, and with them, unfortunately, the first land-walking mammals this land has ever seen.

Queen Charlotte Sound

native bird!!!!1

native non-bird

The story of the invading species in New Zealand is a sad tale of human stupidity and ignorance on a tragic scale, and almost all of the unique kinds of birds in NZ are in one form or other of danger. Many of them, including the famous kiwi, are flightless and can't protect themselves from small mammals. The Maoris brough hunting dogs with them; Captain Cool and his friends brought ship rats, who scurried all over; then we brought possums to hunt for their fur, and we didn't imagine they'd do quite well in wild forests with lots of food and no predators; we brought rabbits to hunt for sport, and didn't think they'll breed like rabbits; then we brought in stoats to get rid of the rabbits, and they became the biggest pest of all. Now they all happily eat the birds together, and there's no one to eat them. We suggested releasing feral cats into the wild to solve all this once and for all, but for some reason the locals didn't like the idea.

pictured: harmful invaders

In Victorian times, the British also brought in deer, for sport. When we say "for sport", we mean to let them go and then hunt them. Why not? Apparently, they're so destructive toward the vegetation and the local ecosystem that to this day hunting them is legal, and even encouraged. The first time we ran accross deer hunters, in full military gear and guns over their shoulders, we were a little shocked - how do they let them hunt like this, and in a national park of all places?! Only later we found out the government encourages this, and sometimes even sends snipers on helicopters(!) to thin out the population.
If all that damage isn't enough, before humans came around 83% of New Zealand was forest. Today? 23%. And somehow even that little bit is so rich and wild that there are mahy places deep within the national parks that no human has ever set foot in, and probably never will.
***
Our next stop was Christchurch, a city that lost chunks of itself to a series of highly desctructive earthquakes in 2010 and 2011, and ot this day feels like a ghost town. Its eerie, depressing atmosphere, despite the rebuilding efforst, stands in stark contrast to what's going on 40 minutes to the east of it, in the Banks peninsula. It's a 30-km wide kind-of-cirle, centered around 900-meter-high mountains surrounded by dozens of mesmerizing bays and inlets. It's a magical area, with a different personality at any given time of day or season of the year. We drove through mostly becuase we heard there were Waitangi Day celebrations (the day of the signing of the treaty between tha Maoris and Britain), and we didn't expect much. But later we agreed unanimously that it's one of the most beautiful places we've been in New Zealand, or in fact anywhere. And the country is filled with places like that.

part of a shopping mall built from shipping containers after the earthquakes, a cheap, quick and sturdy method 

from a part of the cathedral that wasn't destroyed

there's a lot of great street art in Chirstchurch

but more stuff like this 

this is what the Banks Peninsula looks like from above

a bit closer in

and even closer still

***
Lots of nature areas in New Zealand have their own titles ("Fjordland", "The Icebergs", "The Geothermal Wonderland"), and lots of towns have gimmicks too, somewhat for the tourists and somewhat as a source of local pride. Akaroa, for instance, is "the only French town in New Zealand", which is a little like being the only Schwarma in the Hamptons. Oamaru is the "most Victorian" town in New Zeland. Invercargill is a Scottish town. And so on and so forth. We passe through all these spots and had a good time, but we couldn't wait to start what we came for - the treks.

Oamaru

Look what we fould outside the pub! (an Israeli beer container)

world's steepest street, Dunedin

rarest penguin in the world. The type, not the specific penguin. Although we can't be sure.

The first trek we did was accompanied by lots of clouds and a little rain, but also some of the most beautiful scenery we've ever seen. The Kepler Track is one of New Zealand's nine "Great Walks", which are more famous, expensive and well-maintained than the rest. There wasn't room in the huts already so we had to camo out, which was pretty fun in itself but forced us to walk just one hour on the first day and ten on the second day, amounting to a day and a half of those that walked from cabin to cabin. The way down at the end of the day was especially exhausting, an endless winding trail going down over 1,000 meters to the second campsite. But the crest we were following on the hours before the descent was worth all of it. A jagged, undulating knife's edge of mountaintops, with a narrow track in its center, a tall, imposing mountain range on one side and a deep blue mountain lake on the other side, flanked by a deep valley and another range partly lost in clouds. Unlike many tracks, in which you go up to a lookout or to a short walk at high altitude and then come back down, on the Kepler you spend almost a whole day on top of the world, going up to peaks, down to saddles, and repeating. It was chilly, a little wet and quite tiring, but at least we didn't get stuck overnight in an emergency shelter during a blizzard like the Israelis who were there two weeks after us. We felt we were walking inside a natural wonder.

Kea, world's smartest parrots

end of the track

We had arrived in Fjordland, New Zealand's crown jewel, and we couldn't wait to walk around in it some more. A short rest, and then more tracks await us. Just let us do some stretching first.

---------------
* An especially lovely chap in Melbourne response when he heard we were going to NZ: "Why would you want to go there? It's full of Kiwis!"
** It's called "the stolen generation", if you want to read about it.
*** We ate quite a few dinners made mostly from fresh veggies plucked right out of the garden. There were a few days in a row when we struggled to finish the large stockpille of zucchini we had acquired through the generousity of several hosts, and also thanks to a restaraunt which had a box of huge zucchinis standing by the door with a sign saying "take one home!". There's also lots of fresh seafood everywhere. But no herring! A travesty.
**** Even though the Far East in actually to the west of New Zealand, and to the north! This kept bugging us (well, maybe only Eli). The problem's probably on our end.
***** Until we learned that was the solution to the ignition problems, we'd do it like this: Eli would try starting and fail. Try again, fail again. Itamar would suggest trying himself. Eli would say "wait, one more time," and fail again. They switch seats, and voila, Mike starts perfectly! Even after we were told it was the movement of the van that helped, we preferred just believing Itamar has The Touch.